Grandma
Alzheimer’s is a terrible thing. Slow, insidious, unstoppable. At first it’s almost like it’s toying with it’s victim. They know something is wrong, can feel themselves starting to slip, but there is little that can be done to stop the slow loss of memory, of self.
At first, it was just little things with my grandmother. She’d forget conversations she’s had minutes before, or get confused easily. Later on, she didn’t recognize her sons all the time. She once told my father “You can’t be my son. You’re an old man!” Funny, and yet poignant. The one person she never seemed to forget was my grandfather. Married for over 70 years, he was the one memory she had left.
I was able to visit her near the end. I was back in Indiana for my other grandmother’s funeral (it was a bad year for grandmothers in my life). I drove over to see my grandparents, feeling like if I didn’t visit then I might never see them again. The grandmother I’d known all my life wasn’t there. She’d been replaced by a stranger in a wheelchair. I knew she probably wouldn’t recognize me, but I’d still cherished the hope that there’d be some glimmer, some spark of recognition. Nothing. For all she knew I could have been a complete stranger. I suppose that’s only fair – she was a stranger to me, too. Nothing remained – she was a child trapped in an old woman’s body. So hard to see her like that, though we’d never been especially close. Harder still to see my grandfather trying to put a brave face on it.
I was glad I’d been able to visit, because 5 months later she passed away. Peacefully, in her sleep, with my grandfather by her side. Now all that’s left are memories.
May 15, 2010 at 3:38 pm
I have not had to deal with Alzheimers but I was with my Nana when she passed away from Ovarian Cancer.I am greatful I had those last moments with her, but she was no longer the person I knew.
She was small and frail and unable to complete a thought.
Her last words haunt me, 10 plus years later “Now I see”. I’ll never know if she meant now I see what life is all about or now I see because she had just woken up from a morphine induced nap.
Either way, I have many memories of her firmly planted in my memory.
Thank you for sharing your story. Was this recently? How did your grandfather fair after she had passed away?
May 15, 2010 at 4:19 pm
Cancer is a hard way to lose your Nana – how lovely that you could be there with her. Those are, indeed, very haunting last words.
My grandmother passed in January, and my other grandmother the August before that. Hard to lose them both so close together. My grandfather, 96, is doing as well as can be expected. We honestly feared that he would die shortly after losing her, but so far he seems to be hanging in there. Thanks for asking!
May 15, 2010 at 3:54 pm
Alzheimer’s is an awful, awful thing. My grandfather was diagnosed a few years ago, and it’s so horrible to see such a brilliant mind deteriorate.
At least now your grandmother has some peace.
May 15, 2010 at 4:23 pm
I’m so sorry you’ve been touched by Alzheimer’s, too. It’s such an awful disease, for everyone involved! You’re right, now my grandmother is a peace, and the weight of worrying about her and care of her is off my grandpa’s shoulders.
May your grandfather find peace, too. <>
May 15, 2010 at 8:06 pm
Alzheimer’s scares me to pieces. My aunt had dementia (which I think is similar) but she lived across the country and the last time I saw her was almost 40 years before she died. I know it really was heartbreaking for her husband and daughters..
My father died almost 3 years ago, and his mind was sharp as a tack. He knew he was going to die within a matter of days (he had a slew of major health issues, and a virus invaded his heart, only reachable through surgery, which he would not survive, so he stopped his dialysis). I had to return home to my kids, and I’ll never forget how he looked at me intently before I left and said, “I’ll see you again, right?”
I just can’t imagine knowing you’re seeing your child for the last time..
May 15, 2010 at 8:24 pm
I think the effect of dementia is similar to Alzheimer’s – the only difference is the cause. Either way it’s horrible for everyone involved.
I’m sorry to hear about your father. Having his health deteriorate so quickly and unexpectedly must have made it harder. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to leave, knowing you’d never see him again. <>
May 17, 2010 at 9:03 pm
I can only imagine (but rightly so, I think) that living through a loved one with Alzheimer’s is one of the most difficult things to do. I think it must be horrifying to see someone’s basic memory stripped away. To not recognize their own children, to get spiteful with the ones who love them. And because of the hardship on the family, I fear this disease more than others. I don’t ever want my children to have to live through this. It pains me to hear of the struggle in it all–for everyone that is involved.
The one consolation? That your grandmother continued to know her husband. A man she’d been with for 70 years. That is a blessing. And a sweet recognition of the life they’d live, amongst the pain of a cruel disease.
May 17, 2010 at 9:40 pm
I appreciate your thoughtful comment on this! In one way I was lucky, I didn’t have to be there every day to watch her slowly disappearing. I didn’t have to deal with the depression, the hallucinations, the fits of rage. Seriously, if you look up the word “commitment” in the dictionary, there’d be a picture of my grandpa! He stuck to her through all that bad times, and cried when he finally had to let her be moved to a different wing in their retirement home because he could no longer care for her by himself. Truly an amazing man. I’m glad she never forgot him – I’m sure that meant a lot to him.